When you lose someone or something you love, somehow the pieces of life don’t quite fit together anymore. Your perspective changes, your emotions run rampant and sometimes it’s just hard to move forward. These are all natural feelings and something we’ve all experienced. Loss, grief, and all those emotions in between. Especially if those words are tied to your fertility journey. Life feels hard and unfair. 

So how do you move on? How do you navigate and find the light at the end of the tunnel? It takes time, support, acceptance and above all remembrance. 

October is Pregnancy Loss Infant Loss Remembrance Month. It’s a month where those with similar experiences join together to support each other in remembering and honoring those that have been lost. Whether miscarriage, stillbirth or other complications dealing with this type of loss is personal, unique and handled in very different ways. But one thing is for sure, there are resources and support systems out there that can help you move forward. 

About one quarter of women who get pregnant are affected by pregnancy or infant loss. Does that make it any easier? No. But it does show you that you’re not alone. It may seem difficult now, but with a few tips and resources you too can start a new path and move on- never forgetting, never blaming. Just moving forward.

Find Comfort in a Support System

Grief is something that can’t really be explained and there’s no textbook way to handle it. It’s personal, private and sometimes hard to even express. And when dealing with the loss of a pregnancy or infant, the pain and hurt seems to be even worse. There’s so much connected to an unborn or infant child. Hopes, dreams, family and the fulfillment of parenthood. And when that’s taken away so quickly, you feel as if there’s a hole that’ll never be filled again. But that’s where support comes into play. 

Finding the right support system is essential for so many aspects of life. Socially, academically and work related. All these pieces that create our lives are backed by support. We rely on support to build us up, carry us through hard times and give us the extra push that yes, we are capable, worthy and loved.

The same goes when you lose someone. Finding a support system, whether it be through therapy or a support group, opens your eyes and heart to a different perspective where you aren’t judged or blamed. You’re just given the opportunity to open up, come to terms with your apprehensions and then work towards healing. 

Benefits of support groups when grieving include-

• Provide an emotional connection so you feel less isolated and connected to those with similar experiences

• Learn coping strategies that can help you move forward- journaling, meditations, deep breathing

• Give a sense of hope by sharing with others and finding comfort together

Seeking guidance from therapy and support groups is also another way to look towards the future. Your journey doesn’t have to stop just because of a loss. There are so many other layers in your life and so many avenues that can be explored. Therapy is an amazing tool to open those doors and help you find the next step forward.

Give Your Body Time and Practice Self-Care

You practiced self care prior to getting pregnant and focused so much on being your best during pregnancy, so why not now? After a loss, being kind to your body, letting it rest and heal as well as nourishing it with healthy foods and light exercise are just a few ways you can begin moving forward. Grief takes a toll on our bodies both mentally and physically, so making sure you’re getting proper nutrition and plenty of rest is key. 

Try some of these ideas as your body recovers-

• Eat clean, healthy foods that are minimally processed, low in sugar and full of nutrients

• Stay active everyday. Being active has a vast array of benefits. Physical activity releases endorphins which are those feel good hormones that contribute to our mood and emotional-well being. By moving our bodies and releasing these hormones, we also decrease stress, anxiety and feelings of sadness, loneliness or blame.

• Stick with your sleep routine. Although you may try to fight it, sleep and continuing a consistent routine will do your body good. When we sleep, we rest our body and give it the chance to recharge. Try listening to soft music, unplugging your technology or journaling before hitting the hay.

• Be patient with yourself. This one’s important. Give yourself permission to grieve and recover emotionally. Don’t rush it. Using guided meditation is a great tool when seeking patience and acceptance. 

Remember Your Baby

Your baby will always be part of you. Yes, times will be tough and remembering your baby will bring with it emotions that are difficult to navigate, but he or she is still a part of you. Remembering is another key aspect in healing. 

Throughout the month of October, candles may be lit, prayers said and special services held. Regardless of how you’d like to honor your baby, take comfort in knowing you are not alone. Bring those who are near and dear to you along with you. Have them help you plan special ways to honor your baby. Some other ideas or things you may want to do could be-

• Journal about your feelings, write your baby a letter or simply write down your thoughts and reflect

• Plant a tree or flower for your baby, one you can visit in honor of your baby

• Donate to charities like March of Dimes or others to raise awareness and support different resources and support groups

• Create a keepsake that’ll be part of your yearly traditions

Keep in mind that your loss is very personal. You don’t have to share it a certain way. There’s no right or wrong in dealing with it. If you choose to share it only with close friends and family to start, that’s fine. If you’d rather your partner, spouse or close family member share the news with others, that’s fine too. Be kind, and true to yourself. This is a time in your life where you’ll need support and love. No one will judge you. No one will blame you. Those you love will hold you with loving arms, guiding you forward one step at a time.